The Scribblings of a Retard
by aberrantstrain
Summary: Novelettes of miniature stature in multiple parts. Complete and utter nonsense.
1. Milton Whitney Banger

Once there was a beautiful Elm tree that lived beside a parking garage. The tree's name was Milton Whitney-Banger, and the parking garage was called Jeff.

Before the parking garage, Milton had been the prettiest tree in the entire forest and all the other trees had envied him and been mean to him, but they were all cut down and now Milton hung out with Jeff and watched the humans park their cars.

Milton the tree liked humans. He liked cars, and shoes, and sweaters. Milton hated being a tree.

He told Jeff that he wished he'd been cut down, then maybe he could be a coffee table and a pair of clogs, or some nice bookshelves.

Jeff said he'd never thought to be anything other than a parking garage.

One day, a glorious human in a red sweater crashed her car in to Milton the tree.

He was so excited that he fell over and some men had to come and get him. They took him to a lumber yard where he met Roger Shimpertangle, an Oak tree with a distaste for modern art, who told Milton that he would finally become a coffee table.

Milton the tree became Milton the log, became Milton the planks of wood, which were sent on a long journey to France where he finally became Milton the coffee table. He was then sent back again to live in Botley for some reason.

At first, Milton loved being a table. He was always the center of attention and he could always see everyone's shoes. But then he realized that being a table was terrible, because all anyone ever does it put their shit on you.

Around July of 2000, Milton decided that he'd like to become a country western singer.

The family that owned Milton the table heard his mournful appalachian songs in the night and assumed their house was haunted.

They called a preisty, Father Pildred, whose cross was made from a bit of Roger Shimpertangle, the oak tree.

Roger told Milton that Father Pildred loved modern art and was actually an atheist deep down inside, so Roger could never quite take Father Pildred seriously. 'People who like modern art are asshole who believe in nothing!' Roger the swinging cross shouted at Milton.

'Listen to my country western song!' Milton the coffee table cried, and began to sing as loud as he could.


	2. The Twisted Fish

There's a pub in Tonbridge called The Twisted Fish where only people who have three eyes are allowed to go.

There's a password to get in and everything, and all the patrons wear hats to hide their extra eyes, and nobody talks about it because they all feel ashamed.

It's hard to pick anyone up there because everyone is so self-hating, and even though everyone there has three eyes, no body wants to sleep with a three eyed mutant.

Once I found a purple duffle bag outside that same pub. The bag was filled with pencil shavings, fake eyelashes, a microscope and an erotic novel about robots. I took the bag home and wore some of the falsies while I looked at the pencil shavings through the microscope.

The erotic novel about robots wasn't quite as exciting. I just can't get off on valves releasing and bolts tightening, so I tore the pages out and glued them to a lamp shade, which I gave to my friend Pedro for his 33rd birthday. He's in to that kind of thing.

Pedro used to be a speed boat salesman, but he lost both his legs in a tragic shark attack and now he works in a factory that makes metal knobs.


	3. The Angry Tooth Gang

Steve was an angry shovel-shaped incisor tooth who loved punk rock, but could only afford to live in the mouth of Christoph Gelderblatt, a shoe repairman from Bath. Mostly, the other teeth hated Steve and told him he was bringing down the whole tone of the neighborhood.

So Steve was angry. And not just from the punk rock, but from the great, black rotty mass that was his toothy body, all soft crumbling enamel and oozing horrible puss.

Christoph Gelderblatt, owner of the mouth where Steve lived, never went to the dentist. He despised dentists.

He smoked 40 cigarettes a day and took extra sugar in his tea.

Christoph Gelderblatt ignored Steve's cries, and Steve became very depressed.

He decided to stage an uprising.

Now Steve was a right devious incisor and enlisted the help of a left bicuspid called John Bartham, who was very popular with the other teeth because he looked like Hugh Grant. Steve secretly hated Hugh Grant, but he never told John Bartham that because he needed John's influence over the other teeth for his plans to work out properly.

Steve worked very hard, despite being shovel shaped, and with John's help, printed some very controversial, salmon-coloured pamphlets about the injustice of the lack of dentistry in the neighborhood.

A young molar named Hector was moved by Steve's pamphlet and rallied the other molars to protest as well. In a fit of passion, Steve tore himself from Christoph Gelderblatt's mouth.

'Come, my brothers!' He shouted. 'Onward!'

Inspired, all the other socially-conscious teeth tore themselves away as well, and together, they all ran away.

And that's how the Angry Tooth Gang was formed.

Now they ride from mouth to mouth on wild toothbrush horses that have dental floss harnesses, a lawless group of rotten teeth hell bent on revenge.


	4. Stanley Lentil Painter

Stanley Lentil lived in a tiny green room with a red rug.

He fancied himself to be a prolific artist, because all he ever did was lie around in his underwear, painting portraits of sausages wearing hats and dogs shitting on lawns.

His girlfriend, Mildred, was disillusioned with him because he didn't want to get 'a real and proper job.' But Stanley couldn't sacrafice his art for money. Which Stanley had very little of.

Another reason Stanley didn't make very much money was because he hated people in general and never wanted to leave the house. Nobody that knew Stanley cared much that he painted hat-wearing sausages and dogs shitting on lawns. His paintings were fuckin weird, they said.

Mildred tried to be supportive of Stanley's artistic vision but the heating bills were incredibly expensive because Stanley always had the heater turned on high.

Being naked in the cold doesn't foster inspiration.

'Put some clothes on!' Mildred told Stanley.

'You don't understand my art.' Stanley told Mildred.

Shortly after, Mildred broke up with Stanley.

Stanley was sad for a bit, but mostly he just felt relieved because finally, he could paint in peace without all her nagging. He didn't really feel alone because he always felt alone one way or the other, and nothing is worse than feeling alone when there are other people around- all that does is make it worse.

On February 11th, at a coffee shop called Vex, Stanley accidentially met an art dealer with a glass eye when he grabbed the wrong drink.

In passing, Stanley mentioned he was a painter and the art dealer, desperate for something new for his gallery, asked to see Stanley's work.

Six months later Stanley Lentil was the toast of the art world.

He finally had enough money so that he never had to wear real clothes if he didn't want, and also to pay the outrageous heating bills from going naked all the time.


End file.
